The Continuing Adventures of Pedro Vex: The Doctor

The camera flies in tight to a six story building. There is a lot of foot traffic at the entrance, old and young people shuffling in and out, the parking lot is full. The camera pulls up and around to the sixth floor, to a window on the shaded side of the building. Below the window, a trash compactor and loading dock. The camera goes through the window. Pedro is sitting on the white paper on the medical table. He's wearing nothing save for an ill fitting hospital gown and boxer briefs. His clothes are folded nicely over a chair in the corner. He starts to flex his arm to pass the time. He starts to hum silently. There is a knock on the door and the doctor enters. He's a short balding man, glasses and a large class ring. Pedro glares at him. "So how are we doing today Mr..." the doctor checks the chart in his hands, "...Smith, John." He pauses to consider this. He looks at Pedro's clearly not white skin tone. "So John, want to hear a joke?" Pedro shrugs as the doctor starts the physical. "So this family walks into a talent agency. There is the father, the mother, a teenage daughter and a teen son. The talent agent asks them what their act is. The father says we'll show you!" Pedro glances at the doctor as he pauses to listen to Pedro's heart. "So the father turns to the daughter and bitch slaps her right across the face! As he does this the son jumps on his mother and headbutts her into the ground!" The doctor takes a step back from Pedro. "Take down your shorts please." Pause. "Cough. Okay. Turn and cough. Okay. You can put your shorts back on. Let's check those ears and eyes now." "So the son has knocked the mother unconscious," the doctor continues, "and rips off her pants and his. He starts to rape her! Right there in front of the talent agent! While he's raping her, the father has slapped the daughter's face completely red and hot. So she goes down to her knees and the father urinates on her. She drinks some, then takes off her shirt. The father then hooks up a car battery to her nipples and turns it on. She's electrocuted to death. He then proceeds to skull fuck her lifeless body in an eye socket." The doctor starts to get more and more excited as he starts to physically emulate the actions he's describing. "Meanwhile, the mother wakes up and starts fighting back against the son. She rolls onto her stomach, so he penetrates her asshole. At each thrust, a splatter of shit and blood comes flying out. The talent agent is disgusted at this point, but cannot turn away. The father comes up from behind the son and rams his fist into the son's ass, far. The son sputters and twitches as the father pulls his intestines out, foot by foot. The son falls, dead, on top of the mother. She gets up and immediately jumps onto the father, knocking him to the ground. She starts riding him while he chokes her with the intestines. She passes out and the father jumps up, arms wide, with a huge grin on his face facing the talent agent, partial intestines hanging in one hand, his dick dripping with blood, shit and cum." The doctor emulates the father, standing wide with his arms out. "So the agent weakly says, what in the fucking hell do you call that? The father answers..." the doctor gets into a scene ending stance..."The Aristocrats!" The doctor is posed, waving his hands like the end of a vaudeville act. Pedro jumps off the table and delivers a roundhouse kick to the doctor's sternum. The doctor flies through the window, still waving his hands. He hits the top of the trash compactor, breaking most of his bones and skull, and finalizes his death with a thud on the pavement. Pedro starts to get dressed and there is a knock at the door. A young nurse enters the room and notices the broken window. She walks past Pedro and looks out to see the doctor splattered on the pavement below. She looks at Pedro. "He told the Aristocrats joke didn't he?" She asks nervously. Pedro just smirks at her and slips out the door. Pedro exits through the back stairwell. There are sirens in the distance. He approaches the body of the doctor, kneels down and removes the large class ring from the doctor's meaty finger. Pedro pockets it, looks around quickly and walks off towards the back parking lot. That's when he feels the laser sight on his back. Pedro always trusted his instincts, and this one was telling him to duck. A bullet whizzed by his head and struck a car, another and another as he zigged and zagged through the back parking lot, finally taking refuge behind an SUV. Someone was shooting at him from the roof. The rear view mirror shattered above him. Pedro picked up a piece of glass and held it up slightly above the window line of the vehicle. He angled it so he could see the roof. There was only a length of rope hanging down. Pedro jumped up and looked back toward the doctor. There was a man all in black searching the doctor's pockets. He fired a couple stray shots in Pedro's direction, missing everyone. He dropped the clip out of his gun. Pedro couldn't close the gap in time, so as the police sirens were getting closer, Pedro ran. The man didn't give chase. Pedro sat down at a bench outside a rib joint. He dug in his pocket and pulled out the ring. He dug his fingernail under the jewel in the center and it sprung open. There was a tiny circuit board in the ring. He closed it back up and put it back in his pocket. It matched the watch that he had acquired on a previous mission, the markings were the same and both contained a secret circuit board. As he ordered some bbq ribs, Pedro wondered if he was supposed to know that.

The Continuing Adventures of Pedro Vex: The Hillside

The scene opens up on a hillside. It's a wide angle, and some small cottages dot the landscape. Over the hillside is a beach, rocky and small with the waves gently lapping up against the shore. The grass on the hill is tall and sways with the incoming sea breeze. As the camera comes in over the hill, there is a small shack now visible on the beach. A small boat is tied to a mishapen dock. A line runs from the shack to a wooden pole. There is meat hung on the line, being salt cured. In the distance, a yacht is anchored. The camera settles back on the hillside, behind a tall patch of grass. Pedro doesn't move. The grass winds about him, he can feel the breeze. He has already adjusted for the wind, as long as it doesn't change direction. He's facing the beach, lying on his stomach. Most of the Italian coastline is covered with tourists, save for small patches of rural indifference such as this one. He can smell the cured meat hanging on the line. He has been hungry for a Procuttio sandwich for the last 13 hours, since the winds shifted inland from the sea. He's dressed in green, to match the grass. His rifle is covered in dirt and grass to conceal it. He's calculated for the excess weight on the barrel. Movement at the shack. A man in a white linen suit comes out of shack and stretches his arms. He slides on sunglasses and takes out a cell phone. A woman, wearing nothing, comes out after him. Pedro admires her body through the scope. Perfect body, strong abs. It's a shame. She goes into the water waist deep, then floats onto her back. The man in the Linen suit is pacing around behind the shack on his phone. The wind carries his side of the conversation. "In transfer." Pause. "No, to the Caymans." Pause. "Yes, I sent you the account numbers..." Pause. "That's not my fault, I didn't hire her!" Pause. "Okay, okay, I understand." Pause. "No.." He glances around, the woman is still in the water. "I'm alone. Account number 000109341178. We all set?" Pause. "Okay, I'll see you in Barcelona." He hangs up the phone. Pedro scopes back to the woman. She's running her hands over her breasts, her stomach. There is a slight sound of air escaping the gun that no-one can hear over the breeze. Her hands fall limp, she continues to float in the salty water. Pedro turns his scope to the man in the linen suit. Pedro can't get a shot as he ducks back into the shack. As he comes out, he's putting his phone back in his pocket. There is a distant engine whirr as a small motorboat leaves the yacht. His crew is coming to fetch him. He stands at the shore and yells for the woman, who is floating towards the motor boat. She does not move. Pedro scopes the boat, there is crew abord, pulling up anchor. Pedro scopes to the motor boat. They are upon the woman. They yell back to the shore. The man in the linen suit draws his gun. Another slight sound of a bullet being fired. The man falls to the sand, a splatter of blood and brains behind him on the beach. The men in the motor boat pull out small automatic rifles and begin to wildly open fire at the hillside. With little movement, Pedro sets his rifle down and slides up an RPG. This will make some noise. He sets the laser on the men in the boat. They only notice the laser too late, as the rocket fires towards them. The motor boat explodes upon rocket impact, the men in the boat either shredded by shrapnel or knocked unconcious. Either way, they are dead. Pedro stands up and slides down the hill. He comes to the man in the linen suit and reaches in his breast pocket for the cell phone. He walks to the dock and hops in the rowboat, unties the lines and starts out towards the yacht.

Obama-Rama

The 44th President of these United States of America will take office today sometime around noon. As we all know, Barak Obama is unlike any president before him. Why? Because he's the first black Clinton... er... I mean President. But is this really significant? Should the media and the people be making such a big fucking deal of this fact? I say no. For a couple reasons. First off, it puts black people in a position they've never been in before. One of true equality. They haven't been there because of asshats like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, both of whom are not happy that Obama is president. Both of whom have been keeping the black people down for years by selling them this bullshit idea that they are equal by telling them they aren't. Guess what black people? You are. Everyone born in this country is. Obama just proved that. That is the second thing. By electing a black president the people just said, "We don't give a shit about your skin color, just get the damn job done." And that's the message the black people are going to have to take away from this. The ones who have been claiming their whole lives that the white man kept them down, or they can't do something because of skin color. Guess what? The highest office in the land is now occupied by a black man. It's time for you to shut the fuck up and realize that to get ahead in this country you have to work (unless you are a Kennedy) for it. No matter your skin color. It's not the man that's holding you down, it's you. So by that logic - goodbye affirmative action. If a black man can become president, a black man can damn well do anything if he's qualified. Employers should no longer have to hire blacks just to appease the affirmative action laws. Problem is, this doesn't solve the whole racism thing, but blacks are just as racist as whites. And it's weird because soon the white male will be the minority in this country (compared to other minorities as a whole.) The blacks could take a lesson from the mexicans and just keep your head down and work. A lot of whites I know could use that lesson too actually. The point is, race should no longer be as big of an issue when it comes to achieving something in life. Now black parents can point to Obama and say, "You can be president" instead of pointing to Jay-Z and saying "you can be a rapper" or to a basketball or football player. Shoot for the fucking stars kid. All the media outlets are making this about race, when it's really not. It's about the best damn person for the job. Period. To me, there is nothing historic about this inaguration. Obama is nothing more than a Clinton puppet, and we'll see that be proven over the next couple years as Hillary pulls the strings (Bill will be at the strip club, in the champagne room.) You can tell because of the fanfare surrounding him right now. He's popular. People like him. Just wait until he doesn't pull out of Iraq, or until he goes into another war (because Obama likes war.) The same people who praised him will be pissed off and saying some pretty crude and racial things. Just wait for that. The American public is too stupid to understand politics and what goes on. They voted for the black guy cause he was different than the white guy that looks like the other white guy in office. They voted for this pretend "change" that the papers love to talk about. But they won't know change if it sneaks up behind them and gives them an atomic wedgie. I'm not saying Obama is the wrong choice, out of the two we had, he came with less baggage for sure (Palin.) But I'm saying, what makes you people think he's any different from any other politician in office today? Especially with Hillary hanging off his back? To me - nothing. I'm rambling. I need to shut this down. In all, I'm glad Obama is president. Sets up the GOP for a good run in 2012. Werd.

Face This Book

Under constant peer pressure, I am now on Facebook. Frankly, I don't see the true appeal of all these networking sites, since it just causes people to sit around on their asses and stare at the computer like drooling morons, but then - what the hell am I doing right now if not the same exact thing? Except I'm not drooling. I guess I could be. I just didn't consider it an immediate option. Anyways, if you are on facebook, go ahead and send me a friend request. I'm listed as Hector Vex. I'm not very picky, so you've got a pretty good chance of me not checking the damn thing for a couple weeks then finally remembering it and adding you as a friend. Or you could totally ignore this event, like I almost did, and mutter "fuck off" under your breath and go about your day. Either way, doesn't change my life.

So What'd you get for Christmas?

Here's what I know you didn't get: A blowjob from a woman. Cleared at the walk-in clinic for that rash. Bail. The cockroaches out of the walls. Movies made after 1980. Lingerie under a size 14. A negative on the pregnancy test. A gangbang without anal. Gift cards to anywhere but Bob Evans. That being said, I hope your holiday's weren't entirely shitty. And remember, if you keep coming here and wondering what the fuck is going on, I've been writing over at Open Salon.com, the link is below on the left - Infotainment Lite.

Infotainment Lite

You may have noticed my production here has dropped off in the last couple months. Most of that reason is because this blog is blocked at work so it makes blogging and posting difficult. I have found a solution. I started a new blog at Open Salon. So please go there and book mark it. Keep in mind, it's clean so I'll still be posting the disturbing and profane stuff here.

Orenthal James Simpson

Well, that's that. O.J. Simpson has been sentenced to no less than 9 years, up to 33 years in Prison for his role in the kidnapping and armed robbery last year. Not only that, but the Judge rejected his apology, pretty much calling him stupid. Now, this blog has shown a lot of love to O.J. over the years, and by love I mean he's been the blunt of a lot of jokes, most of them crude. Finally karma has caught up to his dumb ass and he'll probably be spending the rest of his life in jail, because I'm not confident he'll make it nine years before getting a shiv in his side in the yard for acting like, well, O.J. You think he's going to walk into jail humble? Perhaps. Will they love him there? Hell yeah. Will he piss someone off with his penchant for flying off the handle for no reason? Hell yeah. And he'll get a filed down bed spring in the liver for his efforts. Or he'll hang himself. I haven't decided yet. Either way, as I strive to bring you the latest in infotainment, here's a little tidbit I just wrote: Ode to O.J.: A Tale of a Black Guy Always in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Orenthal James Simpson oh where did you go wrong? You rushed for many yards then drove oh so slow in your Bronco. We'll never forget your years as a Bill, but you'll be remembered for your double kill. Blood on your hands but the glove did not fit and you got them to acquit. Then road rage and the poor house and violent attacks, hookers and drugs and near heart attacks. You clearly went nuts a long time ago, were you and Nicole really doing blow? Never again will your feet juke on grass, but a big nigger will be coming in your ass. He'll call you Juice once again while he makes you less of a man You're about to be a prison bitch, a slave all because your anger caused you to cave. Orenthal James Simpson, where did you go wrong? Hall of Fame running back would have seemed so right, if you hadn't killed Nicole and that fag Ron that night. Then in distress you tried to steal back your shit from a hotel room in Vegas, did I mention the nigger that's going to be tearing up your anus? Prison will be a fitting resting place for you, that's what you get for killing a jew. On the golf course you went nuts and threw your clubs. On the highway you went nuts and attacked a stranger. You either are the biggest dumbass or aren't afraid of danger. I'm going with dumbass. So farewell to you Orenthal James Simpson, may you enjoy your short life span in prison. You won't be getting out, but you will be turned out. So on behalf of all Bills fans, fuck you Orenthal James Simpson.

What is it with people and torture? This seemingly nice (but clearly white trash) couple in Southern California, kept a runaway foster child chained up in their house where he was starved, enough so that at seventeen he appeared to be 12. I don't get it. There have been no allegations of sexual abuse, not that I'm hoping for them, but what was their fucking motivation? Why would two people - one of which is a girl scout leader - keep a teenage boy chained up for no good reason? I mean, if you are going to torture someone, you better have a damn good reason. Like terrorism, or messing with people with skeletons in their closet like the Saw movies. But c'mon, that's fiction. And torturing a child? That's just all kinds of fucked up. I know, I know, there are some really messed up people in this world. Child touchers, murderers and all that jazz. The thing is (and I'm leading with this now) that these dirtbags won't get the punishment that they deserve. They won't get taken out back and shot. They'll get jail time, but eventually be let out early because our jails keep filling up with too many potheads. That's right, I'm turning this rant into a "legalize Marijuana" rant. Listen: we spend like 72 Billion a year catching, prosecuting and jailing all the minor offense (possession) pot heads out there. That's a lot of fucking money on people that would be only helping the economy. I mean think about it. Pot heads generally don't hurt anyone, there are rarely any pot related crimes (besides having pot) and they give back to the economy, by buying large quanities of snack foods and video games. Therefore, as some dumb English broad stated on CNN last night that we're in a recession, I state that releasing all the pot heads would be economically sound and would be a stimulus to our economy. Obama - take note: potheads could save our nation just by doing what they do best. Eating and playing video games. My balls are recession proof Seriously. We're in a fucking recession. Honestly, big fucking deal. The media acts like it's the end of the fucking world, like we've never been in a recession before. We have, and in my lifetime. Probably in your lifetime too. It's the way the world works no matter what you are talking about. Up and down up and down up and down. Just like your sex life! Everything peaks, everything falls. Then it peaks again. That's why, unlike the media and all the financial turds causing our stock market to shit itself, I'm staying positive. Because it's the constant stream of pessimism that is driving this recession. The media doesn't help. Stocks go up, that's bad. Stocks go down, that's bad. Everything is bad, so nothing looks good. You know what is good? Stocks that were trading at 10 bucks are trading for 2 bucks and if you are patient, you know when this recession ends those stocks will go right back up. And you'll be sitting pretty. AIG is trading at under $2 a share. Even if it only goes back up to $5 a share, that's a huge percent increase, and a huge profit. That's positive thinking, and that's the only thing that's going to bring us out of this recession. There is something else that people need to keep in mind. Except for the morons that bought a 150K house for 350K and are now homeless cause they couldn't afford it when the economy tightened (surprise assholes) no-one has really LOST anything. Sure, stocks have gone down - but unless you sell them, you haven't lost anything. They are just valued less. Home prices have dropped, but unless you sell (or you can no longer afford your mortgage cause you are a fucking moron who has trouble with basic math) you haven't lost anything. The value has just decreased. I don't think home values will be going back up for a while though. And really, you dumbasses deserve it. When everyone was buying homes, some just to flip, I said "fuck all, these morons are going to get screwed. They are building more homes than there are people. Can't these idiots do the math? It's real basic like." And it was real basic like, and they couldn't do it. I really don't feel sorry for the twits that got stuck with homes that they were going to flip when the home market died like a drunk mongoose in a cobra fight. You dumb fuckers. And now the foreclosures, because the delayed mortgages, the sub-prime loans, the variable rate increases all caught up to these poor bastards who had no business buying homes in the first place. Like most of my half white trash & mexican neighbors living in a nice neighborhood where they bought in with variable rate mortgages, were able to afford their overpriced home for a year, then got super fucked when the APR shot through the roof like Superman passing gas and suddenly, they have to choose - tacos or mortgage? There are four houses on my street alone that went into foreclosure. What's my secret you ask? Easy, I fucking rent. I pay my landlords' mortgage. Makes it fucking easy for the both of us. He's not sitting with an empty house he can't sell, and I'm not stuck in a mortgage I can't afford. Fucking cake. Yeah, that's right - I'm pulling out the old White Trash Wednesday logo. I have a great one today. So there is this local story that has now gotten national attention, but for the wrong reasons. This snaggle toothed white trash bitch nearly killed her baby by diluting the kid's formula in order to stretch a dollar. Of course, this caused water intoxication and the baby nearly died. Go ahead and look at the picture of that chick. Keep her in mind as I discuss this. First off, the baby was 4 pounds underweight, the kid looks like skin and bones. This didn't raise any red flags with the mother? None at all? Did she think all babies look as cracked out as their mothers? Second, why couldn't she breast feed? She says that she couldn't, but doesn't say why. I know - it's cause of all the METH. Third, the father was in the house. Not a word from him at all. Sounds like a winner to me. Fourth, she gets WIC, which provides plenty of formula a month to feed a baby. At the worst, you'd have to buy one extra can. That's about $16. Here's a novel idea meth head, stop spending money on meth and get a fucking job. Or tell your lazy boyfriend to get a damn full time job (he works part time setting up tents for events. I'm sure that's lucrative.) So we've established she's a dirtbag and should be held accountable for being a dirtbag. Nope. Instead, she's being hoisted up as the new poster girl for not watering down your babies formula, because this is a concern in the medical community. Instead of being thrown in jail for child abuse, or at least being given a drug test to check if she's fucking clean, she's on the receiving end of the sympathy of every self loving moron in the county. Already people are donating formula to her, to be sure that she has enough. While I agree with helping the baby to live, I don't agree with helping the mother. She is a white trash meth head and needs to have her teeth knocked out before she goes to prison for abuse. How could she not notice her baby looked like a little old man. What the fuck? Which is why she's my white trash mother of the week. Leave your thoughts in the comments, I'm sure you have some. Oh, and Pushcart - I know she's got a hot mouth, but I don't want to hear about it. I'm guessing the meth has made those teeth pretty soft though.

New for the Holidays - Bailout Socialist Elmo Doll

So Citigroup says that it's too big to fail. What the fuck sticks is that supposed to mean to me? Too big to fail? Maybe you shouldn't have extended credit to every half-tard redneck and welfare leech that applied. Even if it was at extremely high interest rates - money you'd never see again anyways and you fucking knew it. This is going to set a bad precedent. You can't just jump ship to socialism when you fail to thrive under capitalism. Let them fail! Let Citigroup fall and send a clear message to the rest of the companies lined up for some of that sweet, sweet bailout money. If you suck - we will let you fail! That is way capitalism works people! Companies fail! Who's bailing out all the dry cleaners going out of business? The mom & pop restaurants (who took out a loan through Citi and have been paying it back diligently even in these tough times.) Instead of bailing out these huge corporations who fucked up, how about bailing out the small businesses who are just fucked? Mostl y in part because of these big corporations fucking up? Take GM. Let them fail. First off, someone somewhere will buy GM, for a steep discount. All that infrastructure will not go by the wayside. Some investment group or billionaire mogul will buy GM and keep it running. Maybe change the name. Whatever. Sure, a million people might lose their jobs. That's a lot. But it's the price of failure. Citi is threatening the nation, the world, by saying that if they aren't bailed out, that the world financial markets will crash and burn essentially. Fuck that shit. If I don't get a 2 billion dollar bailout, some cars downtown are going to crash and burn. Cause I'll set them on fire. That being said, why can't I get a bailout? I'm in debt. Bail my ass out. Why can't I turn to socialism too? Oh, because then the government would own a substansial amount of my assets and have a controlling stake in my life? Oh, didn't catch that last part on the pamphlet. At the same time these multi-billion dollar bailouts are taking place, we are spending 12 billion a month in Iraq, and Obama is talking about an economic stimulus package to be put into motion right after he takes office. My question, as I'm sure a lot of you are going to question (about 4%, the other 96% are morons) is where is this money magically coming from? Did someone take out a magic loan from fairy land? Or are we just reprinting Chinese bills with the face of Benjamin Franklin on them? That's what I think is happening. Who's going to bail the U.S. out when we can't pay our fucking bills? Jesus? (That was for you 96 percenters.) I don't fucking think so. And I've said it before, we can solve all our problems with a durable good tax. Yes, I understand that people who don't pay taxes now but work for a living will get boned on this deal. They currently don't get anything taken out of their paycheck, but will have to start paying taxes on stuff they buy. And rich people (who g et taxed at a higher rate) will see a decrease in their taxes because an average durable goods tax would probably be about 17% which is less than the 25% - 30% (or something like that) of what we pay now. Of course, if rich people have more money, they spend more money. Spending goes up, costs go down. Or at least back to normal levels. Poor people get paid more cause their employers have more cash. Illegals who aren't paying taxes now are forced to pay taxes, infusing the nation with new money. Take advantage of the free market system. Capitalism works. Fuck socialism. Moving on. Homeless Kids Stink I got the following email this morning from someone in the company I work for: "Good news! Donations are rolling in on the first day of our holiday drive. If you haven’t heard, each location is helping out homeless students in the school districts where they’re located. In Pinellas County, we’re collecting toiletries for the children who do not have access to things like deodorant, toothpaste, and other hygiene products." This would be stuff like bar soap, soft soap, body wash, ladies deodorant, men's deodorant, toothbrushes & Jr. TP. Whatever that is. That's right, this holidy season we're collecting toiletries instead of food for homeless kids. I sent that email to a couple of my friends, pointing out that instead of feeding the homeless, we're trying to make them stink less. T$ pointed out that it may help them get jobs if they don't stink. I pointed out that children don't work. Then JL pointed out that they do work, in his uncle's sweatshop. To which I pointed out that in that case, body odor would not be an issue, as they would be working in a sweat shop. Maybe some of our other locations are collecting food, I don't know. What I do know is the last thing homeless kids are putting on their fucking wish lists are new toothbrushes. You'd have to be eating something to want to brush after right? Can you imagine those letters to Santa? "Dear Santa, my name is Kevin. I am eight years old. My dad got fired. My mom lost her job at the Dollhouse and my brother has scurvy. We live in my dad's station wagon under the overpass. We eat what we can find in trash bins and behind restaurants. My brother and I have to cage fight in a cardboard box for scraps. Sometimes we don't eat, or we eat nail clippings and human hair. I've swallowed a lot of used condoms drinking from the stream under the overpass. The other homeless children envy us though since we live in a car and not an old broken refrigerator. I pee where I drink. My butt burns when I poop, and it's mostly blood and hair. I don't remember what meat tastes like. I mean, meat that isn't from a rat or pigeon. But what I really want for Christmas this year Santa, isn't food or shelter. No, I want some deodorant so when I go begging with my dad downtown, I don't smell nearly as bad as I look. Thanks Santa. - Kevin." NEW FOR XMAS: Tickle Me Elmo's Taint I was checking the ads for the stores, as Black Friday is coming up this week, and I noticed there is no new hot toy this season. No crazy new Elmo doll that everyone is lining up for, no video game systems, no hi-tech phones (outside of the normal offering of course.) There are re-issues, new versions of things, but nothing that really stands out this year. So I suggest you don't buy any toys for the kids this year and buy nothing but sex toys for you and your partner. So here's a list of great Christmas gifts to get your significant other: First off, how about a Waterproof Vibrator with Triple Pronged Stimulators That's right, take it in the tub. Goes great with a Silicone Triple Orgasm Cock Ring (That's right, TRIPLE!) Or how about a Double Penetrator Cock Ring? Perhaps you prefer something shoved up your ass like a Thrusting Butt Plug Better yet, The Infinity Plug For the ladies, I suggest the always classic, Leather and Lace Teddy Or better yet, fuck a nurse tonight! Or tomorrow based on shipping. Actually, probably 3-5 business days. That's all I'm listing here. For more, click on the links on the side under Sex Products. Yes, I'm pimping sex toys. What of it? You never stuck a stapler up a girls ass before? Wait, nevermind. Uh, what does "Risky" mean to you? Oh yeah, one more point about this Citi bailout. 306 Billion in risky loans. 20 Billion dollar stake in the business, backing 306 Billion dollar of risky loans. The word 'risky' is not a word that inspires confidence. There is a reason they are risky and that reason is going to prevent the government from ever seeing it's money (our taxpayer money) again. This will fail, Citi will fail and that money will be gone and wasted. That's the reality, and that is why this socialist behavior will fail.

Catching Up

Ugh. So, what'd I miss? It's been a couple busy weeks at work so I haven't had the time to update this whole blog thing. Let's see, I'm checking the newspaper right now. Oh, that's neat, there is an article about some dude who got run over while standing on a street corner of a busy street. That's news. Okay. What's next? Oh, I'm bombing in a couple of my fantasy football leagues, sorry I haven't posted updates guys (Hot Wing Conspiracy) but like I said, it's been fucking busy. Well, I guess some bigger things have happened over the past month that I probably should have mentioned. Let's start with my boy Derek. My car won't run, it must be the steering wheel. So my Browns have decided, on the chanting drone of the fans to bench Derek Andersen and start Brady Quinn. That tells me two things. One, that Romeo doesn't know how to make his own fucking decisions (earlier in the day he said he wouldn't bench Derek) and that the organization has pretty much given up on the team this year. Yeah, their chances are all but slim for making the playoffs, but it's not Derek's fault. Seriously. That interception last weekend against Baltimore - that was because the O-line broke down and the pressure caved in on Andersen as he made that throw. How many times have we watched Braylon Edwards drop an easy touchdown pass? Kellen Winslow getting staph or herpes or whatever and sitting out? Stallworth being a bust? This has nothing to do with Andersen, why can't the fans in Cleveland see that? Maybe because I'm not physically in Cleveland that I do see it. Does Quinn have magical hands? He better fucking hope so, or he'll get run out quicker than Frye. I'm going to fly up to Philly and burn something just cause Congrats to the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays. And fuck all the fans who hopped on the bandwagon hoping to be able to brag about a World Series win next year. Actually, I'm hoping some of them stay around and go to games next year. This season was great for the Rays for two reasons. One, after ten years they aren't the worst fucking team in the league anymore. They can finally be taken seriously. At least until they start losing. Second, the fans that they did gain will start coming to games which will justify the ownership keeping the team here and hopefully signing a long term lease with the city so they do stay. If not, if the bandwagon fans get back off the wagon and go back to their holes from whence they came, we can kiss this team good-bye. They would become the Vegas Rays. That being said, what a great run. Really, when all is said and done the Rays rolled Boston and really, that's all that matters. Those fucking chowderheads need to shut the fuck up for a season. The Rays did what my Indians couldn't do last year, and that's shut down the Red Sox. Sent them home with their egos in check. However, the Rays got busted by the Phillies, who were really the more mature and better prepared team. I don't think the weather helped at all though. Either way, I'll be there next year when they raise the AL East & ALCS championship banners. Obama-Rama So who did you vote for? That's none of your fucking business. You all remember my troubled conversations with myself about who to vote for this year. Well, I decided that both candidates were pretty much worthless and full of lies. That's not saying who I voted for. I'm not saying, but I will say that Obama worries me a bit. Does he have the needed experience? Is there really going to be change? Is our country now going to pander to every whining minority around the world and in the U.S.? What about foreign policy? Well, in the coming weeks I will be collecting all of Obama's promises into one handy dandy location, possibly a blog alongside this one, and we're going to track his promises. We're going to see if change is really what happens or if it's just going to be business as usual in Washington, a charismatic man with an empty shell of promises that can't and won't be kept. That could be the case, and I would have done the same thing with McCain, except the people actually exp ect change with Obama. They actually expect and will probably hold him accountable for the promises his campaign has made. And if he doesn't keep the promises, we'll be here to hold him accountable for them. We'll have it all down on the internet. We'll know. So that's the current project, and I'll need all of your help on this one. Whenever something happens that is related to one of his promises, let me know. This starts the day after inaguration. So now that Obama is president-elect, I understand that Affirmative Action is now defunct. Right? Right? Done and gone? Right? What? No? It's not? How about when he's president - then we can do away with affirmative action right? I mean, if a black man (half-black, whatever) can become President of the United States of America, then a black guy can get a job on his own merit and not cause he's black right? I mean, is that too much to hope for in this world, putting your own future in your own hands. That's what I'm talking about. It's time to take a long hard look at what we do in this country regarding race. Sure, there will always be racism, fueled by ignorance, but that doesn't mean there should be reverse racism, where we pander to certain races just because they are what they are. Those days are clearly gone now, that would be some real fucking change. Let's see that. Now about the man himself, I think he's like a fucking transformer. I think there is more than meets the eye here with Obama. People say they afraid that he's going to back down when it comes to a fight, and I don't really think he would. I think he'd do what he needed to do to protect this country. However, I do think that he would overexhaust trying to talk out the issues instead of Action Jackson time. I guess we'll see. I've heard he has a great jump shot and plans to put a basketball court at the White House. Andrew, you are NOT the father!! YEEEAHHH!!! A couple more points about the whole election thingy Clearly, I'm further removed from politics this year as I have been in years past. There are reasons for that, most of them have to do with carpal tunnel and time restrictions. I will still gnaw your ear off with politico talk. I just haven't typed as much as I have in the past. So I missed some prime opportunities to really hack on the democratic process in this country and the morons who not only make up the voting public, but the ones who are getting voted in. However, I decided that it's too late for all that, and I'm really glad this election shit is over and we can move on. I no longer need to think that I have to write about it, as I have in the past several months. We can move on. One last thing I have to mention though, as I just alluded to a moment ago - the American public are a bunch of sheep. A bunch of fucking morons. Not all of you, but most of you. You know you are. You are the ones, who when listening to Bubba the Love Sponge, printed out his recommendations for ca ndidates for office and took that to the polls like a cheat sheet. You know who you are. You are the idiot who voted for Barack just because he is black, or for McCain just because he isn't. You are the flaming turd who actually thought that Sarah Palin was a good idea. She wasn't. Unless it was for MILF porn. You are the fluttering retard who decided who you were voting for by counting the signs outside the polling place. You are the narrow minded prick who tells people who didn't vote for President that they have no right to speak about it, which is bullshit cause of that whole 1st Amendment thing. We all have the right to criticize no matter what. You are the pustering horse cum mouth whore who cried at the end of the election last night when your candidate didn't win. That's right, I know who you are you crazy Christian right wing asshats. You're through! No more shit from your camp. Of course, now we get to deal with the looney liberals. Oh well, they are really dumb, so that shouldn't be a problem. Out.